


Questions

by saturninesunshine



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: F/M, Logan POV, logan talking to himself about things, mid season one, retrospective AGAIN
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 19:20:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1358932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturninesunshine/pseuds/saturninesunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why do you pick on Veronica?" "Because she ignores me." Questions beget questions. Try this one on for size. Why is Veronica Mars so god damn special?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Longer than I anticipated, as is my way. Logan retrospective towards Veronica. Spans from his antagonism towards his affection of her. Internal, internal, internal. Spawned from a conversation from LOST in 1x09 (Solitary.)

“Why do you pick on Veronica?”

Logan had spent too many hours in this so called guidance office. He couldn’t remember attending nearly as many times before Lilly. But Before Lilly was fading more and more every day. Ever since her brains splattered next to the pool for the entire internet to see.

Now the world was less of Lilly’s and more of Veronica’s.

Logan sat back in his seat contemplatively. Ms. James was staring him down and he wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.

“Why? Did she submit a bullying complaint?” 

That in itself would be laughable. Were they doing this now? After everything they had been through? He almost felt offended. Veronica Mars complaining about bullying. A whole year of being ostracized by her own  friends and accusing them right back of whatever theory she had concocted that week – a whole year of torture and now was the time?

Offended was the word. Like they had built some sort of twisted report and there was comfort in that. God help him, he kind of enjoyed it. Hearing that this was Veronica’s reaction was sort of disappointing. He almost lost a little respect for the girl.

“Veronica didn’t say anything.” That shouldn’t have made him feel better, but it did. “She didn’t have to.”

Well that didn’t sound good.

“Logan,” Ms. James sighed, “you’ve built some notoriety for yourself at this school. Do you know that?”

“You know, I had,” Logan said, “but I figured that had more to do with a lifetime of Aaron Echolls being my father and constantly being bombarded by the paparazzi.”

“I don’t mean fame,” Ms. James said. “The last year you’ve been in here for behavioral problems more times than the administration has room to record. I’m not really permitted to share this information, but you and Veronica seem to be neck in neck to see who can get sent down here the most.”

Logan smirked self-indulgently. That sounded about right. Respect reinstated. It hadn’t occurred to him how much they might have in common.

“Yeah, it’s funny how the brutal murder of my girlfriend can affect me that way.” 

“Do you think Veronica deserves that?”

“I think if you’re really being honest here, Veronica can clearly take care of herself.”

“Is that an excuse?” Ms. James asked.

“It’s a fact,” Logan said. “You said so yourself that she never complained.”

“The administration has noticed,” Ms. James answered. “Fights in the halls. Detentions. Speaking out in class.”

“So the usual.”

“I wanted to try and create a dialogue with you, Logan,” Ms. James said. “You were in here for counseling a year ago, but you don’t seem to have made any progress.”

“Are you a licensed shrink?” Logan prodded. “For insurance reasons, I don’t think my father would be okay with me sharing my deep dark person thoughts. Maybe I should start a dream journal…”

“Did you ever stop to think that while you lost your girlfriend, Veronica lost her best friend?”

“Déjà vu,” Logan said shortly. “Haven’t we already crossed this territory? I do hate reruns.”

“I think it would be beneficial for you to address these confrontational feelings.”

“Towards Veronica,” Logan said doubtfully. “I think I am having confrontational feelings. But they don’t seem to be addressed at Veronica right this second.”

“So,” Ms. James answered. “Why do you seek her out? Why do you target her?”

Underlying this entire deposition, Logan heard what he heard. 

_What makes her so special?_

_Why her?_

In his mind, the questions were asked in Lilly's voice. _Veronica Mars?_

Lilly liked to say she wasn’t the jealous type. But that didn’t mean that Logan was as free as she had been in her short, fabulous life. He was always weighed down by his jealousies and his obsessions and his fervent desire to have her love and affection.

He never got it. Not as good as he gave it. But from time to time, Lilly did seem to care which girls he addressed or spent his time with –

Or kissed at parties. 

But none of them had ever been Veronica Mars.

Why did he torture her exclusively? Was that the undercurrent?

Why did his father belt welts across his back exclusively? Aaron never showed his sister Trina that much attention. That was for sure.

Voicing all of these opinions out loud and to authority figures was of course out of the question.

_“Why do you pick on Veronica?”_

And he knew the answer. Such a juvenile question, too. Like they were children on the playground and Logan was just pushing little, petite, cute, blonde, perfect Veronica into the mud.

Almost the second he and Lilly started dating they had become sexually active. Veronica probably never even got to second base with Duncan, but she always found herself in the middle of tawdry scenarios. 

Children, they were not. Logan knew that for sure. Growing up in Neptune, you never really had a chance for innocence. You were born into the proverbial mud – the same proverbial mud that Logan seemed to be metaphorically pushing Veronica into.

But there was one thing that he was certain of. 

Veronica liked the mud. If not liking it, she at least found some sort of invigoration in finding herself in it along with Logan and every other evildoer that she was intent on serving justice too.

Why did he pick on Veronica?

It was safe to say that question was not answered in that little therapy session. If he wanted a shrink, he would get a professional.

He had seen Duncan and even that Weevil kid as well as Veronica The Dame Herself go in for Ms. James little grief counseling. Veronica was probably the last person that needed it. Her love for Lilly had turned into steely resolve to make everyone else’s life a living hell.

Even so, the answer was presented to him with such perfect clarity that he almost walked right into it.

Literally.

Veronica’s bag dropped to the floor of the impact.

Logan hadn’t even seen her round the corner. Stunned, he just looked at her sigh with frustration, not even looking him in the eye. She dropped down to the floor, gathering her belongings while making sure her camera in her messenger bag was still intact.

No snarky reply, she just got to her feet and was about to be on her way. Maybe she was in a hurry, but for the second time that day, Logan almost felt offended.

“Was it something I said?”

Veronica turned around, eyeing him with confusion. “What?” 

“Usually I at least get a witty retort for being in your way.”

The hallway was near empty. Late again, but he supposed his physics teacher could just send him right back to the guidance office anyway.

And with perfect clarity, he understood the answer to the probing question. The answer was in Veronica’s hesitant eyes and Logan’s general annoyance at something that was basically nonexistent. He was drawing her into conversation and he had no idea why. 

“I’m supposed to go to guidance.” Veronica was edging away from him like he had sprouted another head or some contagious disease. 

He didn’t blame her.

Maybe Ms. James would start grilling her about why she was bullying Logan Echolls.

“You’re almost just as popular there as I am.”

“What I always wanted,” Veronica said. “A big shiny plaque next to Logan Echolls.”

“You would be so lucky.”

She was already turning around to head into the office. How unlike her not to have the last word. Maybe that was more him than her but it irritated him all the same.

“Not one dig at my philandering father knifed by a scorned lover?” Logan asked. She stopped again, looking over her shoulder. “You’d probably be the only one in this entire town who hasn’t by now.” 

The steel in her eyes had softened and he knew he had made yet another mistake. He might as well have been screaming _lookatmenoticemepayattentiontome_  

Veronica shook her head. “It’s none of my business.”

She opened the door to the office before pausing.

“I’m sorry.” And then she was gone.

Logan stood dumbly in the middle of the hallway, thinking of the tabloid cutouts posted on his locker and the imminent threat of his father arriving at school looming before him. 

Maybe he should have joined Lilly deep in the earth because that’s what good it would do him now. 

What happened to subjects in experiments when they became self-aware? They were terminated. Even Logan knew that much. And Logan knew what he had just done was completely out of the ordinary and borderline nauseating. Even to himself.

What was so special about Veronica Mars? The juvenile answer to the juvenile question was simple really. On any multiple question test, he usually guessed. He didn’t have to on this one. 

_Question #1 What is so special about Veronica Mars?_

~~a)~~ ~~She’s blonde~~

~~b)~~ ~~She’s hot~~

~~c)~~ ~~She’s sassy~~

**d)** **She ignores me**

_Dingdingding_ , _we have a winner and as a special bonus answer, Logan Echolls is an idiot._

(Maybe there was also _e) all of the above_ , but he wasn’t even going to broach that subject.) 

Logan always had a thing for emotionally unavailable blondes and here he was, history repeating itself. His father still broke him in the darkness while his mother’s ice in her glass clinked. He still threw himself into every fistfight he could find. Every word out of his mouth was still a sardonic observation on the human condition.

Lilly was still dead.

Nothing had changed. And nothing would. 

_Don’t they all know that pushing you into the mud is a sign of affection?_  

It’s the Echolls way, in any case. 

But one thing had changed. Veronica’s eyes had softened. She didn’t make any digs and she seemed to also find herself in the revolving door of the guidance office.

Questions beget more questions. He knew that.

_Questions:_

_Why is my girlfriend dead?_

_Who killed her?_

_Where did my mother go?_

_Why did she jump off a bridge?_

_Is my mother really dead too?_  

_Why does every woman I care about end up six feet under?_

_Why am I on Veronica Mars’ doorstep?_

_Why is she inviting me inside her apartment?_

All of these were present but there was one other that weighed the heaviest on his mind.

_What makes Veronica Mars so damn special?_

He knew the answer to that one. Veronica still let him into her apartment and would still hear him out after he came back from his mother’s memorial service.

Lilly’s voice had stopped echoing in his head and somehow, Veronica could understand that too. She could understand what it was like to lose a mother, a best friend, a significant other.

She watched his mother’s ATM cards and sat with him in a hotel lobby – god love her, she actually pretended to be his fiancée and somehow, it even felt easy.

Veronica was tapping her fingers anxiously on her knee, her eyes not leaving the elevator doors. For a moment, Logan could almost pretend. He could pretend that they weren’t stalking his mother’s cards and that she wasn’t most likely dead. Maybe she really would walk through those elevator doors. So for that moment, Logan looked at Veronica. He really looked at her.

But only for a moment and then it dissipated as soon as it had come.

Her arms came around his neck and crying into her was even easier.

The question was no longer _What makes Veronica Mars so god damn special_.

No, now it seemed that was the answer.

Now he smiled at her in the hallway. Now he could address her, touch her shoulder, talk about her freely.

Now Lilly was a year ago and the world was full of Veronica’s. 

But when Ms. James asked, he still couldn’t answer. The question had become different, but he couldn’t bear to ask himself it. He wasn’t there. Not yet.

“If I wasn’t mistaken, I think I saw you ask Veronica Mars to the Total Eclipse of the Heart yesterday.” 

Logan looked up into his best friends blue eyes. Just like Veronica’s. 

“You probably asked her the same question,” Logan said.

“What question?” 

Logan rolled his eyes easily. Things were easier now, somehow.

Duncan grinned.

“She was just helping me out,” Logan said. “That’s all. You know I don’t go to those things.”

“Could be fun,” Duncan shrugged.

“You have some blonde on your mind?” Logan asked. 

Duncan shrugged again and Logan knew he was being too nonchalant. It made his blood run cold and choked him. He swallowed, not allowing himself to say anything else on the subject.

If his best friend wanted to rekindle something with his ex-girlfriend, what was Logan going to say? He never asked why Duncan had ended it so abruptly, but things seemed more important at the time. 

And then Lilly died and he never found out why.

Best not to think about it. That was his philosophy. 

He still had to guess on multiple test questions, but now they seemed harder than ever. Too many choices. Too many variables. Too many correct answers.

a)    She’s blonde

b)   She’s hot

c)    She’s sassy

d)   She ignores you

**e)** **All of the above**  

He had forgotten about all of the above. There had been the one spark of hope after that freshman had showed the video of the body falling from the bridge. Veronica had found his mother’s cards. But hopes were dashed again and alcohol seemed like a better and better option.

There was no all of the above. 

Drunken slurs were nothing. Blonde girls with crimped hair and tight black dresses were nothing. Older guys she brought to dances as her date were nothing. 

“Wait. Who’s this dude?” He could barely see while drunkenly wearing sunglasses at night.

_Nothingnothingnothing_.

_Noticemenoticeme_ –

Wait. Just Trina. Veronica had probably gone home with her older authority figure boyfriend and was letting him screw her in that tiny apartment with her father right next door.

“’Come get Logan. He’s wasted.’” 

He hated his sister. He didn’t puke in her car, though. Maybe that was a step up for them.

“Did Veronica call you?” 

Trina looked over at him from the steering wheel for a moment.

“Oh god, you weren’t actually booking a room for Prom, were you?”

“She had a date.” He was slurring and this was beyond humiliating.

“Now has that really ever stopped an Echolls before?”

Touché, Trina. Touché.

“It’s _Veronica Mars_.”

He didn’t know what his inflection was supposed to mean.

Special?

Not special?

Thankfully he passed out before he could contemplate it any longer.

Caitlyn had been exiled for her relationship with Chardo – and her duplicitous bitchiness (oh yeah, and using his mother’s credit card applications.)

But he no longer gave her a second thought after she was dismissed from the 09er crowd.

One of these is not like the other; one of these does not belong. 

“So you guys are like what, friends now?” Duncan asked. Caitlyn always disappeared from his mind as soon as she had come.

Veronica was the one across the lunch yard with her friend – was he the one taped to that flagpole?

Logan looked away from her. “What?" 

Duncan had not broken his gaze from her, however.

“You spent the whole year like giving her a hard time,” Duncan said. 

“Aren’t you dating Meg now?” Logan asked.

“What does that mean?” Duncan asked defensively. Logan hadn’t been asking permission for anything. 

“Just wondering how she would feel about you being interested in your trailer park ex.” It came out savagely, just how Logan intended it.

 “I’m not.” Duncan sounded more terse than ever. It didn’t seem to have worked.

“Whatever, man.” It came out indifferent, just how Logan intended it. That sounded good.

It didn’t sound good to Veronica, though she still seemed to grin at those words. Somehow, she trusted him now. By all rights she shouldn’t. Logan understood that. But it was a need deep within him that he just couldn’t understand.

He _needed_ her to trust him. 

He wasn’t going to ask himself _that_ question. 

“Should I take offense?”

She had waved at him from her table and he abandoned his 09er position for some reason. 

“You know it’s not like that,” Logan said coolly. Cool was good.

_Cool. Trust. Protection. Need_ – Too many words, too many needs, just too much.

Too many questions.

“What’s it like?” He liked her smile. It was teasing. 

Lilly had always teased rough. She had always called him out for being such a girl on such occasions, but the world was devoid of Lilly now.

That didn’t sadden him like it used to.

In this instance, Veronica didn't seem to care what Logan called her to her ex-boyfriend. Like she really knew what he was thinking. He hoped to god that she didn't because he was sure she would run the other way or tase him at the very least.

“Well, you were always wise beyond your years,” Logan said, sitting next to her.

“Thank you?” Her mouth quirked and a strange smile. _That_ smile. Complimenting her was probably a bad idea. “Wise enough to know social exile is a sign of affection?” 

Her smile flickered when the word came out of her mouth. That wasn't the right word, he was sure. But it was the word that had crossed his mind before. That word that seemed to be there when in all rights, it shouldn't be. A word that he could never punish her for using.

But she didn't seem to think it was right. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe everything about this was wrong. 

Affection? 

Friendship?

Platonic interactions?

Well she wasn't ignoring him anymore and yet the feeling was still the same. Or maybe something more.

Questions beget more questions. 

_Do you like Veronica Mars?_

God help him.


End file.
